i don’t know

I always think I couldn’t be any more disappointed with human beings more than I always am… and then somebody always proves me wrong.  I’m sure at some point there’s a bottom right?  Where you actually can’t be any more disappointed… anymore surprised by the lack of humanity humans possess?

**

Everything feels so hard now with dad’s health issue looming overhead.  If he’s not honest at the doctors and doesn’t tell them what is going on, I don’t know… I guess I should just prepare myself for the inevitable for sure then.  I know it’s dumb because not even tomorrow is guaranteed but I just want at least 10 more years with him and hell… I’d take 5.  Anything looks better than thinking he could go any time.

My mind can’t comprehend losing somebody I’m that close to… but my MIL tells me how terrified she is of losing her dad and he’s nearly 90 so I guess it never gets better… no matter how long they live it doesn’t make the thought of losing them any easier.

**

I don’t think I like herbal teas anymore… they are lacking the whole tea thing.  And that was a random thought.  Completely random.

**

School is really fucking hard for me with this constant anxiety about my dad.  Like during Spring Break I did nothing… b/c fuck you why should I have to do homework during Spring BREAK?  Do people take a vacation from work and go to work during it?    Then last week I just couldn’t do anything.  I just felt paralyzed.  So I’ve been worthless.  For 2 weeks.

And I’m sitting here now, and I want to be alone.  Not that I can’t shut my door( b/c I have a whole room that belongs solely to me now) and drown out everything… but I want to be truly completely alone.  I could paint… try to catch up… I don’t want any questions.. why am I painting, what am  I painting…. I don’t feel like small talk at all, even with people I love the most.  It’s nothing personal, this is just how I get.  I get now why he was so quiet when everything happened with his dad… I used to prod, try to get him to open up but sometimes you just don’t want to… talking about it reminds you that it’s real.  And it doesn’t change anything.

**

Saturday went to mom’s first.  It was our Easter thing with her although it seemed sort of weird.  Maybe it was just me.  I felt disconnected.  Boy & I went and hid eggs for Tristin in the yard.  It was funny because every single time he would find an egg he would exclaim “Easter Bunny!” and it was the intonation in his voice that made it so hilarious because it sounded like he just could not believe that the Easter Bunny would do something as silly as leave an Easter egg in that particular spot.  And he did it for every.single.egg so it just got more and more hilarious.  Mom had got him a pirate Easter basket and put it out behind the pump house (I’m sure that’s hillbilly slang for what it really is, but whatever lol) and told Tristin to look and see what the Easter Bunny left back there.  Oh his face lit up and he went running and was so thrilled, it was super cute.

The baby cared less about his Easter basket but chewed on his cloth frog it came with and laughed when I kissed his cheeks.

I didn’t get the boys anything yet, b/c I am going to give it to them next Saturday… we are supposed to have Easter at dad’s then…

We saw dad afterwards.  He was in the garage smoking when we pulled up.  Pisses me off so bad.  He sat down and the first half hour or so was painfully awkward to the point that I had to get up and leave the room a few times because I couldn’t stand seeing him the way he was.  When he sits he doesn’t stay awake.  He falls asleep talking, completely uncontrolled and then twitches and jerks awake.  I was so fucking relieved when my sister asked if I wanted to feed the baby some baby food so I could sit with my back to him for a bit because I just can’t take seeing him like that.

He eventually decided to get up and “wake up”.  When he is standing he doesn’t fall asleep.  He can barely walk because of his back and he stands in this extremely weird posture but he doesn’t fall asleep.  Terry offered to go with him to get 2 TVS from grandma’s he needed help with and his brother and nephew hadn’t helped him even though he had been trying to get them too the past month.  Jess & I stayed there with the boys.

He bought my great aunt’s and uncle’s house.  They are both dead now.  Donnabelle died a few months back and left the house and every thing in it to my dad’s brother and his kids.  Dad came into money via mom’s retirement that he got half of per the divorce… mom isn’t retired but her retirement from her longest job offered a payout of some sort…. and he ended up buying that house.

It is so weird because there are so many memories from it when we were kids that it seems really odd that it is dad’s house now.  And dad doesn’t have anything to fill it with.  So there’s some leftover furniture and stuff that his brother and his kids didn’t take so it’s this bare weird place.  We never went in certain places in the house when we were kids and now it’s like free to roam wherever and check stuff out.  It’s a good sized house but it felt even bigger when we were kids.  It’s super weird not to go to the front door and knock and see Max or Donnabelle get up from their recliner to open it.  They always sat in the living room watching game shows.  It’s weird to go in the kitchen and the buffet be gone… we always used to raid the candy jar.  Or the room that we used to sit in and watch MTV and goof off is dismantled and almost empty.  The vintage Sunkist clock over the table is gone.

I very much love the idea of making new memories there… with it being dad’s house…. but I’m oh so afraid to get my hopes up, to hope that he could truly bounce back.  There’s a stupid part of me that wants to think he could be like he was again but I have to realize how stupid that is, because even with other issues fixed… there’s things that can’t be fixed…  But even if all he could do is sit there and talk, that would be enough for me.  To have him there and not think that he was gonna fall over dead at any second.

**

This post is already filled with randomness so… I managed to lose almost 3lbs in the past week, so I guess my combo of randomness is working.  I hope it keeps working but I really do think that limiting sugar will be key for me.

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