bad ideas: staying up drinking coffee all night

Derp.

Dad lied to everyone about the doctor appointment.  Boy was gonna move in with him and dad managed to pick a fight with him and Boy had just had enough and decided he couldn’t live with him again and have drama with him.  I’m just working on making peace in my heart that I did all I could do and at this point whatever happens, happens.  Do I think he will be here in a year?  Honestly, no.  I don’t like saying that, it feels surreal to say that, but in my heart I know his time is very limited.  I just want to prepare myself for it in some way because honestly I had just been pretending prior to last week… denying that it could happen at any time.  Often times in my head, because I don’t see him a whole bunch, I keep this picture of the guy I knew most of my life growing up… and then I see him and it’s just fucking shocking.  Like my mind has this disconnect, it’s almost like, how can that really be him?

I hate worrying about my brother, but I do.  At times I feel like I have to protect him even though he is only 5 years younger than me.  And I always feel hurt for him because I think he would like to move in with dad, help him out, and have a good relationship with him but dad makes that absolutely impossible.  I was on the phone at 3am last night consoling him because he was just like “I’m done, I can’t do it anymore either” concerning the whole issue with dad.  I do know though that I will blow the fuck up at dad if he says one thing about Boy not moving in with him because it is his actions that caused him to change his mind.  For the past year all I’ve heard is “he should move in with me, he should move in with me” and then the kid is actually going to do it and you pick a fight that makes him say fuck it… really?  Really?  There’s a part of me that feels like he deserves to be alone then.

***

I managed to get back into classes this week.  Sunday night I ended up arranging my painting stuff in my office/studio and turned on some tunes and zoned out and painted to catch up a little.  It felt GREAT.  I kept thinking, okay if I can just have my creative process and some jams I’m set for the rest of my life.

Painting is almost like yoga…. you can’t be rushed.  It’s really teaching me how to slow down in my creative process because I really had an issue where I felt like I just had to rush through what I do… I get overly focused on the end result.  Oil painting, you can’t do that.  The paint takes days to dry, you can only do so much before it gets muddy, it’s a slow process and it’s actually been really rewarding to slow down and see that it isn’t only the end result that is worth it, but the whole entire process as well.

***

I’ve been doing really good at tracking calories, carbs, and sugar.  Lately some days though I’ve been having a rough time getting to my calorie count =/  It’s set on MyFitnessPal as 1280, which is close to the lowest they recommend.  At first that was definitely killing me, it was really hard and I frequently went over it but exercise always balanced it out for the most part so I was still probably burning more than I consumed in most cases.  It might just be the stress lately, I don’t feel much like eating.

I’ve been sticking really closely to the limiting of sugar.  I still don’t have a problem really staying within the recommended carbs.  I figure if I have a day or 2 where I go over the sugar count it’s not the end of the world because sometimes I just really want a piece of fruit or something dammit.  I still figure having 20 grams of sugar is nothing compared to having 100 grams of sugar so there’s no point in freaking out over one day.  It’s kind of awesome though because since I’ve gone on this almost drastic compared to what I’m used to low sugar thing, I don’t crave sugar like I used to at all.  I also don’t get as hungry, my blood sugar overall seems to stay a lot more stable.  I wonder if maybe I’m imagining it or not but I swear I feel like my stomach area looks like it is shrinking a bit already.

I don’t really miss real milk unless I think about it.  I bought unsweetened almond milk and it has been awesome!  It took a bit of getting used to because it didn’t have that creaminess of milk but now it kind of reminds me skim milk.

I bought some Truvia to try.  I had been using Stevia in the Raw but I was finding it to be a little on the bitter side.  I like the Truvia a lot better.  After several days of using it, it started tasting more and more like sugar to me.  I try not to use it too much… but if I’m having some Cheerio’s or something I’ll sprinkle a packet on… otherwise I mainly use it in my tea or iced coffee.

So yeah… this is all going much better than I expected!

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