Stressed.  To the max.

Last night I thought I was doing the “responsible” thing by informing the instructor of the group situation.  I actually did think long and hard if I should even bother.  Over the weekend it just progressed to a point where it became impossible to move forward with these people… only 1 other person was communicating with me… and then one of the ladies showed up on the discussion board and me and the other person communicating determined that despite having the last 3 weeks to work on this project, this lady had no idea what the project was about.  That was the tipping point for me so I went ahead with my email.  I was very professional… very respectful… the way I have always been in my dealings with this professor despite her lack of professionalism with me.  I told her about the situation we were encountering (even though she see every damned thing that has happened on the discussion board) and asked her if she had any guidance she could offer concerning the situation.

Instead she responded to me with a lie.  She told me I needed to get with them in class, they had had a group meeting in class last week.  That was literally all the email consisted of, despite the effort I had put into my first message, trying to be as professional and respectful as possible seeking guidance on an issue I have truly never encountered before.  There’s always that one mofo in every group that slacks, but this is just complete denial that the project is even happening.

Does she think I’m a fucking idiot? I have been in communication with the only other group member who is attempting to take this project seriously (and that’s been questionable half the time).

I was not present in class last week.  The instructor was obviously aware enough of that fact.  Oh but here’s the thing… the 2 that have been AWOL on the whole thing… they weren’t there either.  The day in question I emailed everyone in my group out of common courtesy that I may not make it to class that day.  I let them know that if by chance there was any time for groups to meet during class, to just keep me in the loop and let me know what they needed from me and I would get it to them ASAP.  I received an email back from the lady I’ve been working with, telling me that in addition to my absence, the other 2 did not show up for class so nobody from our group met that day in class.

Apparently the instructor can remember my absence well enough, but is ignoring the fact that the other 2 were not present.  She takes attendance… she could have easily checked her records before making the assertion that an imaginary meeting happened and I was the one who missed it, thus implying the lack of communication was due to me missing said imaginary meeting.

I seethed for a while.  I texted the in-touch classmate since I had told her I would let her know what the instructor’s response was.  She responded with a “Wow” and then recounted last week’s meeting where she was definitely the only one present in class.  At this point I was pretty missed and just thought fuck it, I might be overstepping my boundaries here but I am not going allow someone to lie to me, essentially call the one person who is working with me on this a liar, and make it out to sound that I am the problem in this group.  I mean if she’s going to send a one sentence response, even if she isn’t directly implying these things, it sure in the hell looks &  feels that way.  The kicker to that is this a communications course.

I was nice.  I was professional.  I was respectful.  I once again reiterated that I was on contact with the only group member who was helping, more emails had been sent out, and I wished to clear up the implication that there was a group meeting that I had missed last week as I had been informed by a group member that no meeting took place.  That was me standing up for myself instead of letting someone say I dropped the ball when I have done almost EVERYTHING on this project.  And if she couldn’t deal with that… OK.

OK.  That is how she responded.  That is also how she responded when earlier in the semester I sent her an email asking for her help on another project and asking her a variety of questions that way she understood what I was struggling with and could use assistance on….  Because you know, ever professor I’ve ever had in my life, if you’re having trouble with something you can send them an email and ask them questions and they’ll oh I dunno….. RESPOND.  With like answers.  To your questions.

I have been anxiety ridden for months over this class.  I shouldn’t let something get to me so much but I do.  I can’t help it.  And now it’s a new kind of anxiety.  Combined with the old.  I feel like there’s no positives of this situation, even when it is done and over with and I have my grade I feel like I have endured a stressful situation for no real benefits except for several months spent with heavy anxiety over a class.  A stupid fucking class.

I just had a very heavy moment of existential angst when driving home tonight and started crying because I felt so incredibly helpless and yet angry at myself for being this upset over the matter.  Like… this situation is occurring and stressing me the fuck out and there is no reason for it, no reason at all.  People are just shitty.  There’s nothing to be learned, there’s nothing to be gained.  And that just made me so mad and so sad at the same time because it makes me wonder why people put themselves through stressful situations when in the end… it doesn’t matter.  Like the common everyday shit, where you just do it because you have to.  It’s just sad that we have to live like that to me.  It makes me frustrated because it makes me feel like I live in some sort of imposed system that I’ll never be able to escape from.  I so often feel trapped in a world I wasn’t made for… and the most random shit reminds me.



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