2 hours of sleep isn’t cutting it.  I feel dead on my feet right now.

I stayed up all last night working on rough draft ideas for the group and then worked on paintings. I really found my zen with painting and some tunes and just stayed up doing it until the wee hours of the morning.  I didn’t want to settle in for sleep because the thought of the alarm clock blaring me awake to go face the day would send an adrenaline rush through me first thing in the morning, which I did not want. I decided to do some journaling and meditation and then finally opted to lightly sleep for a couple hours, and managed to wake up 15 minutes before the alarm.

I felt dread, part of me just wanted to throw in the towel on everything.  But I got myself around, gathered up everything, stopped to get some bottles of water on my way in, sat in the car and rehearsed my persuasive presentation in the car, and went to class.

All the group members were there, acting like they had no a care in the world about the project.  Just to show how far off track at least one was, she didn’t realize that I was the one who had been sending her emails all fucking week.  I mean that totally goes to show how involved she was, she didn’t even know who her group members were!

The instructor kept bringing up the fact that ‘people’ had emailed her missing group members and how she would hand out a group evaluation after the final and blah blah blah.  I was probably sitting there smirking because all I could think is her bitchy responses to me informing her of our group situation… what would have been so hard to say something like this when emailing back?  Probably because she had not yet decided to do this.

So then the persuasive speeches happened, they will also be finished during the final next week.  The more socially outgoing people went and then she said there would be time for one more and there was a silence filling the room.  Initially when she told us that they would be continued into next week I was thinking “fuck yeah, I’ll just deal with these last two things the very last day of class and never look back”.  But then I thought “seriously self… you’ve prepared for this for weeks, you can’t get any more prepared…. you’re just avoiding now.  Go up there and get this shit over with, it will be on last thing to give a fuck about.  Do you really want to give TWO presentations next week”  So I went up there and did the shit.

I realized as soon as I got up there I forgot my water bottle and momentarily panicked b/c I get serious dry mouth when I’m nervous.  The beginning of presentations are always hard for me because the part of my nervous system that I have no control over kicks in and I get a surge of adrenaline and I mentally have to tell myself to calm the hell down while I’m talking.  Fun times.  A quarter of the way through the adrenaline went away and I did okay, but I fidget a lot when I’m standing still.  Hell I fidget a lot when I’m sitting.

But it’s done.  I’m getting better with public speaking.  Spending so much energy avoiding it only did me harm that I’ve had to repair.

We met as a group and as frustrating as it was, I found a way to absolve myself of the duties of attempting to be responsible for everyone.  We broke it up into sections and I told everyone I was done.  I was only being responsible for me and whatever effort we needed towards the PowerPoint.  There’s a huge weight lifted because now I don’t feel like I need to carry everyone.  If they fuck up, it’s now on them.  It’s been the most bizarre group situation I have ever encountered… nothing like it and hopefully nothing ever again like it.

I have 2 paintings due tomorrow that are not done yet.  They were supposed to be dry and stackable but none of the ones due tomorrow will be.  That’s just the way it is going to be.  I’m thinking of napping and then painting.  The one painting should be rather quick.  The other one might be more challenging since I won’t have time to let things dry but I should be able to whip it out in 3 or 4 hours.

So to finish I have left:

  • 1 monochrome nature study painting
  • 1 full color landscape painting
  • Group analysis study paper
  • Com final exam
  • Refine my part in the group speech/practice
  • Submit my part of the outline for group speech
  • Work on PowerPoint slides for group speech
  • Group meeting on Saturday (ha.  We’ll see if that actually happens)
  • Present group speech
  • Finish second palette knife painting
  • Finish nature-architecture study painting
  • Give persuasion presentation
  • Write persuasion presentation reflection paper
  • Write second study com paper
  • Save everyone’s asses from failing the group project

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