more progress

Image  I want this.  Last year they had one that someone had returned and were selling it for $125.  They want $250 this year.  I was gonna get one last year but debated too long and somebody else bought it.  It’s like an outdoor bed and I want it dammit.  

I also want a tablet.  I rent out an iPad from the university and I never thought I would fall in love with tablets but I find myself using it so much.  I like the iPad, but I just cannot see paying the price for one.  Even if I had the money right now to purchase one, I actually know I wouldn’t because I think the price tag is just insane.  Soooo I’m looking at other ones that have good reviews.  

Today was the last day of painting… last critique.  We just go in Monday to pick up our stuff.  I’m so bummed it’s over!  I find myself seeing things differently now… I look at things and think “I would like to paint that” and then think of the techniques involved, what I would do, etc.  I will definitely, DEFINITELY keep painting as a part of my life I think.  I would like to have a big easel someday (all I have right now is a small folding table top one) because I really like to stand when I paint.  It’s something to get lost in… and getting lost in things, is therapy for me.

Critique tonight was really fun.  I talked more about other people’s work than I probably have all semester.  When it came time to talk about my own paintings I didn’t feel nervous or have those “omg did I sound dumb” feelings later.  I think I’m getting over some of that speaking in public anxiety, even if it has taken all these years to do it.  

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted by delegating tasks to the group members in the Com class.  I definitely did not seek to be the leader in my group but I have had to take that role and I am finding that I’m actually not a terrible leader.  I’m designating tomorrow (or today now) a little vacation day before I get to work on what I need to do on the group speech.  I haven’t checked my grades in a while but I’m pretty sure everything is cool with that class and I could pass just fine even if I got only the lowest possible passing grade on this whole group thing, so now with tasks delegated I don’t feel so much pressure.

Another thing that class has made me notice about myself, is I noticed I was dwelling on every what if scenario, everything that could go wrong…. just negative fucking Nancy over here.  And then it finally dawned on me… why in the hell am I not focusing on all the awesome I have achieved??  Why is that not the first thing I reflect upon?  Like last semester giving a presentation that my classmates as a whole gave me something like a 98% on?  Or spending a grand total of one day researching and putting together a PowerPoint on Frida Kahlo when I actually had little knowledge of her life and work and giving an awesome presentation to my painting class?  Or how I got through my first presentation in Com like a champ?  These are the first things that should come to my mind, my successes.  Not “oh shit, I can’t do this…what if ___insert terrible thing here___.”

I’ve really spent some time lately reflecting on how things have been for me lately, where I’ve been mentally, why, etc.  I feel like there’s been a lot of experiences lately that have opened up my eyes to the negative aspects of the world, and I feel very helpless when I see those things.  And honestly the past few months, I’ve been very much in a “the world is shit” kind of mentality.  Nothing matters, there’s no point to all of this, just gonna stand back and watch it burn kind of thing.  But deep inside, I know that’s not me… and I’ve paid the price by feeling lost and disconnected.  So I’ve decided it is time to work on some things, to reconnect with the universe.  I’m excited to do so, I already feel so much lighter.

We finally got a gas grill and yesterday I fired it up for the first time.  I went all Hank Hill lol and get super excited about grilling.  There’s just nothing better than grilled food, it’s like how stuff was supposed to be cooked, directly over a fire.  I also bought a little smoke chip box and omg… I think it makes things taste even better.  So I made some steak yesterday (so good!) and grilled corn for the first time.  The bits that get a little charred and caramelized?… so so good.  

It might actually be starting to get warm enough to plant things outside.  This spring has been so bizarre.  Sooooo cold!  The past 2 days it has been in the 80s which has felt divine, but it is supposed to cool back down to like the 60s.  I have bought herbs for one of my raised garden boxes…. I am hoping that my perennial herbs come back.  Before we moved in the dead of winter I dug them up and put them in pots to bring with and am now still waiting to see signs of life.  I will be so sad if they don’t come back… especially my sage plant, it has always come back.  

I want to go buy flowers but I need to research and see what does good in shade because we have so many trees, most of where I will plant the flowers is shaded, at least partially. I fucking love fuchsia and I know they do well in shade but I have had zero success with them the last few times I’ve tried.  A local nursery has these huge baskets of them that are so beyond gorgeous but I feel like I’ll get it home and kill it =/  They are so finicky.  It’s like gardenia trees/bushes… they are ridiculously hard to grow.

My annuals did so fantastic last year so this year I think I may be a little braver in trying types I haven’t tried before… 

I also don’t know what I want to put in my garden yet.  I have gotten 2 patio tomato plants from Menards as soon as they got them in.. that is what I had last year and we had more tomatoes than we knew what to do with.  The cherry tomato plants last year were hugely successful but most of it went to waste because we couldn’t eat it all… I had no idea that they would get so big and produce so much.  Last year it was so hot that my lettuce just didn’t make it, my cauliflower didn’t make it because of the heat/drought, the fucking raccoons ate my cabbage literally the night before I was going to harvest it, and I never got to try my eggplants because I forgot them outside after I cut them and that was the end of them.

I think this year I want to try bell peppers, beans, rhubarb, cabbage (again), eggplant (again), maybe cucumber, strawberries, and turnips possibly? I dunno what I have room for at the moment.  I wish I could grow everything I wanted but it’s a little harder to do that with just smaller raised garden beds.

Can’t wait… I love summer and taking care of my plants and tending to my garden =D

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