Sending a blessing to those who read pity party posts

Because that is probably what this is.

I don’t know what to write about the past couple of days.   I’m not in that holiday mood this year for obvious reasons even tho I want to be because Ki loves Christmas.

I’m feeling depressed about everything that is happening and on top of it good old seasonal depression is kicking in.  My mother in law bought me a blue light last year to help combat it but frankly I just think why bother and so I don’t.   It just feels like it doesn’t matter.

I don’t know how to kick this.   I can’t get my mind out of what should have been. And I can’t look at anything around me without seeing the impermanence of it all and wondering if I will have it again.   Then I start wondering what the point of any of it all is.  I’m lost.

I feel like my entire life has been about waiting.  I have waited to live.   I fear my time will be up and that is all my life will have consisted of, waiting. If I were to die tomorrow, this entire gift of existence would have been mostly wasted.

I’ve been waiting to live.

I remember when it began, as a child 9 or 10, and you start thinking that life begins when you get a bit older.  Maybe as a teenager you will start having wonderful adventures,  I mean they give you a list of things to look forward to… A list of firsts, school dances, prom, parties.

I had fun when I was a teenager but that is where the waiting started and then grew.

Next thing I know I can’t wait to leave home,  I feel like life isn’t really living until then.  Once I moved out tho the next thing became my fixation.

First I wanted to move out of state, then I was fixated on coming back.
Then school.  Then my unhappiness with school.  Different majors.  Getting engaged.  Planning a wedding. A house.  A baby.  Jobs.  The next thing,  the next thing… always the focus.

And now I am trapped in some strange land where my next focus is on my husband getting a new liver and it is such a bizarre focus that you think you will never encounter that at the same time your brain just wants to shut down and say enough, the next doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m like a next junkie.  I always thought the next thing in life would lead to fulfillment and well, I’m finally ready to admit that I have a problem because it didn’t.

I guess I’m willing to admit that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.   Or maybe I never did.   I think that is why I often wonder why my husband is having to go thru this,  because he has so much more direction that me,  he knows how to live,  his dreams have made their way into reality much more effectively than mine. It isn’t fair.  I don’t want to see this slow him down, take him away from what he loves even tho it has started to.

I guess right now I feel a bit paralyzed.   There’s nothing more I can do for him right now than be his support.   And I just do not know what to do with and for myself.  There’s days when I am only focused on the present moment,  and then there are days like today.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Paula Kaye
    Dec 08, 2013 @ 22:52:46

    I think you are feeling scared. And that is okay. You should be scared. It is scary. My mom used to tell me that no one promised me a rose garden. I didn’t want a damn garden…I only wanted one perfect rose! I am sending you a big {{hug}} and keeping you and your husband in my everyday prayers.

    Smidgens, Snippets, & Bits

    Reply

    • Raychela
      Dec 13, 2013 @ 10:12:26

      Thank you so much my dear! Yes, I was feeling very scared. I was trying to suppress it a lot lately and that was doing me no good. Trying to climb up out of my little hole and see some sunshine again. Thank you for reading and for the support. ❤

      Reply

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