sleeeeeeeepy

Christmas came and went too fast.  I’m sad that the day is over.  It seems I’m never quite in the spirit as the day approaches, but Christmas itself always holds a certain level of magic.

We did something different this year and waited until later in the evening to open gifts.  It was kind of fun to wait, open gifts, and then eat Christmas dinner… it seemingly prolonged the spirit of the day a bit.

I was spoiled this year.  Before Christmas had even got close I asked him to stop buying me things… it was making me feel guilty,  like I don’t deserve for you to buy me all this stuff.  He kept saying I deserved it for all that I did.   I’m still not comfortable with the fact that he spent so much on me,  I always think of more practical uses for the money but he insisted despite my protest.  It may be his way to show gratitude but I don’t need stuff to know that I am appreciated.

I tried not to get myself revved up over thoughts of what Christmas may be like next year, but much like Thanksgiving, they would creep in randomly.  I tried to push them out just as fast as they crept in.

January approaching revs up my anxiety.   Tis now the season for doctor appointments.  My mind is focused on one thing only, him getting on the transplant list asap.  Of course I don’t yet know if the university hospital will require his MELD score to be higher to start transplant proceedings.  That’s the sucky thing about livers.. they can cause you all kinds of issues and yet the score the use for helping determine transplant need can remain lower than you would expect it would be considering the issues said liver is causing.  The GI docs have talked about a shunt during the wait for a transplant to help alleviate some of these issues and I would be lying if I said the thought didn’t scare the shit out of me as much as everything else.  The chance that it can lead to episodes of high ammonia in the bloodstream and the accompanying confusion etc that comes with that really really really scares me.  I know there’s medicines for it.  I know there’s things you can do to help prevent it.  All that. But it is scary and not something else I want him to have to experience or me either in the wait for a liver.  I have heard that anywhere from 1/4 to 1/3 of people undergoing the procedure may experience it.  And of course there are other risks as well I have learned.  I finally forced myself to read about it more the other night because I had absolutely refused since it was first mentioned to acknowledge it thinking “oh…. well maybe he won’t have to have it done” which was my form on absolute denial.  So I decided to read about it the other night and although it does have some scary things that can happen with it, it also has a lot of benefits when it works as it should.  It makes me feel less scared but not completely less scared…so yeah.

My MIL arrived to spend another week with us starting yesterday.  She was just here at Thanksgiving so we did not have a long wait between visits this time.  I hope I don’t find myself slipping into a bit of a depression when she leaves, such as I did after Thanksgiving.  I don’t get why, but somehow it is easier when she is here… having another energy in the house.  It doesn’t make any sense because there isn’t any thing in particular that she does when she is here that makes things any different.  I guess it is just having another person for support.

Sundays have been my “I could sleep all day” days lately.  Slept in today, barely did much all day, and still exhausted.  I’ve been fantasizing about bed since about 2 hours after I woke up heh.

I also had the realization the other day that I am supposed to go back to some form of “real life” soon and ugggh… the “don’t wannas” are strong.  I know I have to go back to carving out some kind of life for myself but I don’t even know where to begin again.

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