8 thoughts for 1am

  1. I wish I could rip out the part of me that wants to be a mother.  It feels like there is a physical entity in my chest that I could actually remove and… oh wait that’s my heart.
  2. I always knew.  I always knew.  I always knew.
  3. The morning brings 2nd visit to the liver specialist to check and see how his liver is doing.  I fantasize that it somehow gets better, that miracles exist.  I remember how my ex-best friend did that when her mom was dying of cancer.
  4. I’m scared.  I hate long car rides.  I hate doctors.  I hate waiting.  He asks me why I’m scared… “what the worse they can say?  I need a new liver?”  It’s a joke.  And the truth.
  5. I’ve had a really terrible day where everything that could have went wrong, did in fact go wrong.  I think I was being punished for being sad.
  6. My lack of personal space this week is leading me to funnel back down into depression.  I feel like I can’t get away so I get anxious and constant anxiety has a way of turning into depression.
  7. When depression hits the only thought that circles my mind is what is the point of any and all of this?  There isn’t one, but my mind twists the idea around over and over without getting any closer to the answer I so desperately seek.
  8. Yeah, there’s that dark hole.  I just fell in it.  Only it never seems to have a bottom??
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