2015 fin.

I had wanted to finish of the story of the transplant… well it’s ongoing but finish it up until now, I’ve just been too busy to write.

Ki got discharged from the hospital on the 23rd. It was literally our Christmas miracle (well, one of them lol) because previously that morning they had told us he wouldn’t be going home. The post op swelling was causing a lot of issues, mostly pain and he wasn’t really pushing himself through it to do what he needed to do. I’m not blaming him, I can’t even imagine how great the pain is and was, but it caused a major setback initially. But when he realized that he was going to end up spending Christmas in the hospital and there was a possibly they would medically clear him before physical therapy clearing him and he could end up in an inpatient rehab center that motivated him to push through the pain and physical therapy cleared him that day. It turns out he could do the things they wanted him to do really well, he was just scared more than anything.

Going home was a bit scary but we are kind of settling into some sort of routine although I don’t think it will be a new normal anytime soon yet, there’s still a lot of unexpected things to be on the look out for but I am oh so glad that he is out of the hospital because he started massively improving once he was home. I’m always afraid of him ending up back there before he’s really turned a major corner and it setting him back further so I really pray that that doesn’t happen.

Overall we’ve just been massively blessed. I can’t believe that this all happened before the end of the year and we will go into 2016 healing instead of getting sicker… moving forward instead of waiting. We really truly thought there was no chance of a transplant before 2016 and yet here we are. I still can’t believe it’s real sometimes.

This year seems like a whole blur of randomness but I am going to try to fill out my little end of the year review questions I normally post on this day.

What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

Painted a room in the house.  Finally attained the blue and purple bedroom I have wanted all of my life.  Went through transplant evaluation with my husband.  Went through a liver transplant with my husband.  Went to therapy with my husband.  Let go of the idea that I need to be perfectly put together at all times before interacting with other human beings… I am okay with no makeup and undone hair.  Binged watched a complete tv series (it was Breaking Bad.. omg if you haven’t watched it, you must!).  Lost a cat that I had longer than 10 years.  Made a dream catcher.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t think I had any.  The only thing I want this year is for HEALING to take place.  I want my husband to heal. I want to heal.  I want our lives to heal.

Did anyone close to you give birth?


Did anyone close to you die?

My aunt Kim passed away after a very long battle with breast cancer.  I am sad she is gone but there is comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering, because she suffered greatly for a very long time.  It was a testament to her spirit though to keep going.

And I sadly found out this year that last year the father of a childhood/teenage best friend passed away.  I have a lot of memories of him and had I known he had passed I would have been there to pay my respects.  It fucks with me heavy that I’ll never see him again.   Let it remind you that you never know when the last time you’re going to see somebody is.

What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Health for myself and everyone around me.  It is time that we all heal together.  I truly believe we should get to bask in some sunshine after such a storm that the past few years have been.

What date(s) from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

  • The day we knew our second IUI failed.  It was a clusterfuck of “hey your IUI failed, your have bronchitis, and a heart murmur.  Fabulous day let me tell you.
  • The day we went to Indy for Ki’s transplant evaluation.  Everything about our future hinged on tests from that day.
  • The day that his case was presented to the transplant board and them calling us to tell us that he had been accepted and listed. So much hope finally came sprawling back into life.
  • The last ER visit/hospital stay pre-transplant.  It was the moment where I knew I was losing my husband to the disease and I was so terrified and honestly was so afraid of how much longer we could do this.  And then it was like the universe heard my cries because
  • December 11th they called us at around 6:30-7pm and told us there was a liver and if would be interested in coming in as a back up and then
  • December 12th at 3am they took him back for surgery.
  • December 23rd… he got to come home from the hospital.
  • December 25th… the best gift I could have… having him home with me for the holidays.
  • December 31st/January 1st… leaving 2015 in the dust by his side.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

All my achievements this year has been a lot of work internally.  I was really broken down this year.  I had to do a lot of soul searching to pull myself out of a very dark place.  It was a lot of mental health stuff.  I truly advocate that if people need help, ask for help!  But I kept running into the terrible experience of asking for help and ending up worse than I was.  Deep down inside, I know what I need to do… I know what is best for me and I felt like I really had to stop running from that and work on myself.

  • I accepted my OCD.  I was going to make a post about this at some point, but yes, my whole life I have suffered from OCD  (almost literally, it began when I was 4 years old).  I know it’s hell and I want to punch people who think OCD is just liking a clean house.  It can be a personal prison you can’t escape from at times but to stop running from it and actually confront it was a huge achievement for me this year.
  • I confronted my negative thought cycles.  That’s still an ongoing battle but when you have been feeding yourself horrible negative thoughts for a good part of your life, it’s a very hard cycle to just break over night.  But it was just like wow… I tell myself such awful things and expect to feel better?? What would happen if I spent that much time feeding myself beautiful positive thoughts?  I intend to fully find out.
  • I’m beginning to understand that I can’t sacrifice myself for other people.  I deserve to love me and there is nothing wrong with that.  I think a lot of what is wrong with this world is that people are made to feel that loving themselves and having self worth is wrong so they are constantly looking for fulfillment elsewhere.
  • I can’t keep ignoring my spiritual side.  It needs to be incorporated into my life.

What was your biggest failure?

I really let my mental health go there for a while this year.  Was in a really bad spot once again.  It didn’t have to get that bad, but as we all know with mental illness… sometimes you don’t get a say.  I don’t think of it being a failure in and of itself struggling with it, but there many things I did and didn’t do that was me being lazy and not helping myself… and it didn’t have to get the point that it did.  I just think I kind of failed myself for not thinking that I was important enough to get better there for a while.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Heart murmur which thankfully turned to be benign.  A wicked ulcer that concluded with some of the worst pain of my life. And then of course the brain going awry.

What was the best thing you bought?

  • Batman Arkham Knight for PS4… the last Rocksteady Batman game *sniffle* but I’m only just now starting on all the DLC so at least I still have that to look forward to.
  • My blue hoodie that I am addicted to wearing
  • These awesome super soft leggings that look like skinny jeans that are the most comfortable things I have ever worn in my life and I need 3094283 more pairs even if they all look alike so that I have a pair for all eternity.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My brother is really a pretty awesome dude.  He was so supportive during Ki’s transplant and hospital stay.  It just warmed my heart so immensely that when Ki was still unconscious after the transplant my brother was there talking to him.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I’m having MIL issues as we speak y’all.  I don’t wanna speak on it right now but she has not dealt with our current reality very well.

Oh and my sister when I found out she was a fan of the 50 Shades of Grey lineup lmao

Where did most of your money go?

We don’t really have any money right now lbci (laughing but crying inside lol)  Moving houses, medical and travel, and the post transplant stuff along with bills and everything else has had us drained.

But you know, I really learned that no state is permanent.  Yes sure you can do things to ensure that you may be better off for a longer period of time, but sometimes life happens.  And life happened to us.  We have been flat broke, we have been well off, and we have been flat broke again.  I fully believe that we will be well off again and this time have the foresight to understand that you never know what could happen in the future so plan better for it.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

It happened so fast that I didn’t really get much of a chance to even be excited but obviously the transplant.  Right now I’m really really excited about the hope of a life where disease isn’t an everyday factor.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2015?

  • Alessia Cara- Here
  • J. Cole- Love Yourz
  • J. Cole- No Role Modelz
  • too much fucking Drake
  • Nicki Minaj & Beyonce- Feeling Myself
  • Big Sean, Drake, & Kanye- Blessings

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?

So much happier. Amazing what can change in life in just a few weeks.

iii. richer or poorer?

So much poorer financially but so much richer in other ways.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Staying in moment.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying.  Indulging in hopelessness.

How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent Christmas at home with my love and it was the best Christmas ever in all existence.

What was your favorite TV program?

  • Breaking Bad… better late than never!
  • Empire
  • Gotham (but then Gotham went off the deep end when it came back this fall and I’m having trouble trying to keep giving it second, third, and fourth chances)

What was the best book you read?

  • War and Empire: The American Way of Life by Paul L. Atwood
  • Jesus Against Christianity: Reclaiming the Missing Jesus by Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer
  • Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, flawed coping mechanisms, mayhem, and other things that happened by Allie Brosh

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Creating a women in hiphop station in my digital music apps.

What did you want and get?

Guess? =D

What was your favorite film of this year?

The only film we saw in the theater this year was Straight Outta Compton. It was decent… I think only hiphop fans can truly appreciate it though.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I…. seriously have no memory of my birthday?

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

I will wear this hoodie every day of my fucking life and no one can stop me.

What kept you sane?

Hahaha I wasn’t sane for a good chunk of the year.  Once I regained some of it I kept it on track by rereading Claire Weeke’s Hope and Help For Your Nerves, the parts I needed over and over.  Journaling. And honestly just letting it out.  I realized it was time to stop lying to myself and everybody else.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

My Breaking Bad binge gave me an Aaron Paul crush lol

What political issue stirred you the most?

Oh god.  Isn’t there just too much fuckery going on to even pick one?  I really can’t.  Shit’s crazy out there.  We have got to do better y’all.  As members of the human species we have got to start doing better for all our brothers and sisters the world over.

Who did you miss?

Mango.  God I miss him so much.  He was always the constant in my life.  I don’t know if I’ll ever not miss him.

Who was the best new person you met?

Can I just lump all the people who have helped get us to and through this liver transplant stuff… they’ve been phenomenal.  My husband has such a wonderful team behind him.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:

Nothing is permanent.  Life is cycle of haves and have nots.  Illness and wellness.  Loss and gain.  And in some weird way, it’s almost comforting.

boring post is boring.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is trying to kill me.  So is my ulcer.  But despite them both I finally finally finally put up the Xmas lights on the porch this evening.  We also managed to finally drag the Xmas tree inside off of the porch and undertook a 45 minute adventure of getting the fucking thing into the tree stand and actually standing straight.  Decorating it is for another day.  So is maybe, hopefully, possibly stringing up some lights in the back yard.  I also keep promising my dad some ham & beans and that has yet to happen.

Minus some anxiety I was feeling pretty good tonight.  And then I ate and took some supplements.  And my stomach promptly started.  And then I was mad at myself for eating and taking the supplements together because there was no way to know which one started the mess.  So tomorrow I think I am going to skip the supplement I think might be aggravating my symptoms and see what happens.

I keep thinking how I need to find the motivation to finish unpacking the house.  It’s been 2 months. I mean come on really girl, get your shit together.



I haven’t been here in a long time but it hasn’t been as long as I thought. I thought about it bc I remembered holidailies and realized this was the first year I totally forgot since I started.  Kinda sad.  Maybe it’s time for me to come update this thing…

dear universe,

Have I said how lately how grateful I am that my husband continues to be in good health despite the labels his body now carries?  Because I am.  Ever so grateful.  I know I don’t always show it.  Sometimes I am just afraid that I will jinx it.  I know that isn’t really possible, but I’m kind of superstitious.

I know I complain a lot but sometimes I just need to get it out so I don’t carry it with me beyond the words that I spew out.  That is why sometimes when I am alone and something falls on the floor… or I can’t find something… the outburst is more than what is called for, because there are little explosions that occasionally go off and then it takes a little while for them to surface, and I am wise enough to let them out when no one is home to hear.  Except sometimes I think I probably scare the pets to death.  I always seem to remember that they listen to my words a little too late.

When I was 8, after my mom and dad’s divorce, a counselor told my mom that I was a volcano, and I guess nothing has ever really changed.

i’m tired, even if it is 2:47am, that is odd

I’m thinking about visiting my dad this weekend.  I’ll have to go without Ki though because my dad has smoked up his house and I haven’t wanted to touch the subject of “my husband cannot be exposed to your second hand smoke now that we know what we know please and thank you.”  Because my dad will take it personally, especially since my brother is always attacking him about his smoking addiction, and it will just make me mad and yeah.  If my dad wants to have Easter or something at his house this year I don’t know, I’m going to have to broach the subject at some point.

This week went by really fast.  The weeks always go by fast.  Some days are painfully slow but the weeks always go by fast.

I’ve been doing a lot of purging of things lately.  That is one reason I want to go to my dad’s, mostly to meet my sister there, I have a bunch of things destined for Goodwill bins and I want to see if she wants anything before I donate it.  I was hoping to get another spare closet gone through before the weekend but I don’t know if it is going to get done.  Tonight I went through the closet in my office/studio/whatever room which is mostly craft and art supplies and reorganized it and put a decent amount of stuff in a giveaway bag.  On days that I don’t know what to do with myself I need to remind myself of all the projects I have to work on.

Ki thought yesterday he might have to call the doctor about the medication adjustment but today things are going well so we are still waiting and seeing if everything pans out with that.

We got a truck.  We got it because of his liver basically.  Such a weird reason to get a truck eh?  Well it is because there have been many times this winter where we were snowed in our driveway.  We could not leave because our cars could not get through the snow.  We live in the country so this is a real issue.  If there had been an emergency we wouldn’t have been able to drive to the hospital or anything simply because we couldn’t get out of our driveway, even when the main roads were cleared.  Or if he goes on the transplant list and they call us in the middle of a big snow or something.  Can’t shovel out either because our driveway is long.  It’s one thing I took for granted living in town, never having to worry about shoveling out.  So he got a truck so we could get out of driveway if we needed to during the winter months.  It came in handy today for non emergency reasons because once again we wouldn’t have been getting out of the driveway without it.

as for me

I’m better than I was.  I was afraid I was heading down one of my dark paths again but I have managed to pull myself back up out of it.  It is hard not to get dark in my head when dr appts approach.  Though I would like to figure out how not to do that.  I also honestly just needed to be left alone too.  I’m still feeling a bit snappy tbh.  There are times when the introvert part of my personality is no joke.  If I don’t get time to recharge I am a beast.  And sometimes that means I need a full day or 2 to recharge.  No apologies.

When I think about the future I get upset.  Then I try to remember there is no such thing as the future, there is only now.


8 thoughts for 1am

  1. I wish I could rip out the part of me that wants to be a mother.  It feels like there is a physical entity in my chest that I could actually remove and… oh wait that’s my heart.
  2. I always knew.  I always knew.  I always knew.
  3. The morning brings 2nd visit to the liver specialist to check and see how his liver is doing.  I fantasize that it somehow gets better, that miracles exist.  I remember how my ex-best friend did that when her mom was dying of cancer.
  4. I’m scared.  I hate long car rides.  I hate doctors.  I hate waiting.  He asks me why I’m scared… “what the worse they can say?  I need a new liver?”  It’s a joke.  And the truth.
  5. I’ve had a really terrible day where everything that could have went wrong, did in fact go wrong.  I think I was being punished for being sad.
  6. My lack of personal space this week is leading me to funnel back down into depression.  I feel like I can’t get away so I get anxious and constant anxiety has a way of turning into depression.
  7. When depression hits the only thought that circles my mind is what is the point of any and all of this?  There isn’t one, but my mind twists the idea around over and over without getting any closer to the answer I so desperately seek.
  8. Yeah, there’s that dark hole.  I just fell in it.  Only it never seems to have a bottom??

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