Last year was the first time I missed Holidailies since I started doing it back in…. 2008.  I guess it was because las December was so stressful.  This month marks the 1 yr anniversary of Ki having his TIPS procedure done, or as he calls it, his robot part (because it is made of metal mesh).  It was a very scary time with a lot of unknowns.  

Well things haven’t changed that much.  Life is still a scary thing with a lot of unknowns but at least there’s a lot more hope.  Actually being on the transplant list, as surreal as it is makes for a lot of hope.  It allows for a little room to breathe and a belief that just maybe there is an end to this  journey through hell and a happy ending.  By no means will any of it be easy but I am so ready to get off this ride that is basically a descent into darkness and hop on the next which will hopefully take us back into the light.

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also.. I don’t know what Facebook’s algorithm is or whatever when it comes to showing “popular” news… but I apparently have people on my friends list that I totally forgot were there until Facebook is like OH LOOK AT THEIR FANTASTIC NEWS THEY ARE PREGNANT YAY COME COMMENT ON THEIR PREGNANCY POST AND GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ABOUT THEIR ULTRASOUND PICTURES AND SHIT.

I swear to god I log in like once a week and there’s always a gawddamn pregnancy announcement at the top of my page.  Just ughhh…fuck off with that shit Facebook. 

This is also clearly a sign that it is time to just clean off my friends list.  For as little as I’m on there I would actually like just a handful of people I actually interact with rather than a bunch of acquaintances. I want to see the news from the people I care about and not the ramblings of people I hoped I would forget forever after high school but felt like I couldn’t say no at the time to a request of friendship over the internet (as one such example.. there are others…like things I had in common with people at one time but no longer have anything in common with ever and never will again.)

Aside

I believe that when you put your intention

I believe that when you put your intention about something out into the universe, when you loudly proclaim you want something, when you no longer hide it… the universe finds ways to answer your call.

Something strange happened over the past few days.  And since then I’ve told many people in my life and now I’m saying it here.

We are beginning (what I know will be a long and emotional process) to try to have a baby.

Step 1:  Finish my fitness goals.  I am already 20 lbs down…some more to go but I will do it.  In the mean time hubby can work on cleaning up his diet, get to exercise, cut down on alcohol, etc in preparation for a SA.  When I get close to my fitness goals I will be going for blood work and exam and go from there.

 

 

 

Aside

So far this week I have….Locked myself out

So far this week I have….

Locked myself out of the house and had to wait until my husband returned from a meeting to get back in

Left a bag of groceries at the store, not realizing it until I of course got all the way home

Forgot that I registered for a course I completed this Spring as part of Summer I clear back in January as a back up in case I fucked up the course during the Spring.  This may or may not cause some issues…. I have contacted my adviser.  It will most likely cost some money though b/c apparently Summer drop period is different than the rest of the year.

 

And it is only Wednesday…

I do not know what is with me lately!  So frustrating!!

Aside

more progress

Image  I want this.  Last year they had one that someone had returned and were selling it for $125.  They want $250 this year.  I was gonna get one last year but debated too long and somebody else bought it.  It’s like an outdoor bed and I want it dammit.  

I also want a tablet.  I rent out an iPad from the university and I never thought I would fall in love with tablets but I find myself using it so much.  I like the iPad, but I just cannot see paying the price for one.  Even if I had the money right now to purchase one, I actually know I wouldn’t because I think the price tag is just insane.  Soooo I’m looking at other ones that have good reviews.  

Today was the last day of painting… last critique.  We just go in Monday to pick up our stuff.  I’m so bummed it’s over!  I find myself seeing things differently now… I look at things and think “I would like to paint that” and then think of the techniques involved, what I would do, etc.  I will definitely, DEFINITELY keep painting as a part of my life I think.  I would like to have a big easel someday (all I have right now is a small folding table top one) because I really like to stand when I paint.  It’s something to get lost in… and getting lost in things, is therapy for me.

Critique tonight was really fun.  I talked more about other people’s work than I probably have all semester.  When it came time to talk about my own paintings I didn’t feel nervous or have those “omg did I sound dumb” feelings later.  I think I’m getting over some of that speaking in public anxiety, even if it has taken all these years to do it.  

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted by delegating tasks to the group members in the Com class.  I definitely did not seek to be the leader in my group but I have had to take that role and I am finding that I’m actually not a terrible leader.  I’m designating tomorrow (or today now) a little vacation day before I get to work on what I need to do on the group speech.  I haven’t checked my grades in a while but I’m pretty sure everything is cool with that class and I could pass just fine even if I got only the lowest possible passing grade on this whole group thing, so now with tasks delegated I don’t feel so much pressure.

Another thing that class has made me notice about myself, is I noticed I was dwelling on every what if scenario, everything that could go wrong…. just negative fucking Nancy over here.  And then it finally dawned on me… why in the hell am I not focusing on all the awesome I have achieved??  Why is that not the first thing I reflect upon?  Like last semester giving a presentation that my classmates as a whole gave me something like a 98% on?  Or spending a grand total of one day researching and putting together a PowerPoint on Frida Kahlo when I actually had little knowledge of her life and work and giving an awesome presentation to my painting class?  Or how I got through my first presentation in Com like a champ?  These are the first things that should come to my mind, my successes.  Not “oh shit, I can’t do this…what if ___insert terrible thing here___.”

I’ve really spent some time lately reflecting on how things have been for me lately, where I’ve been mentally, why, etc.  I feel like there’s been a lot of experiences lately that have opened up my eyes to the negative aspects of the world, and I feel very helpless when I see those things.  And honestly the past few months, I’ve been very much in a “the world is shit” kind of mentality.  Nothing matters, there’s no point to all of this, just gonna stand back and watch it burn kind of thing.  But deep inside, I know that’s not me… and I’ve paid the price by feeling lost and disconnected.  So I’ve decided it is time to work on some things, to reconnect with the universe.  I’m excited to do so, I already feel so much lighter.

We finally got a gas grill and yesterday I fired it up for the first time.  I went all Hank Hill lol and get super excited about grilling.  There’s just nothing better than grilled food, it’s like how stuff was supposed to be cooked, directly over a fire.  I also bought a little smoke chip box and omg… I think it makes things taste even better.  So I made some steak yesterday (so good!) and grilled corn for the first time.  The bits that get a little charred and caramelized?… so so good.  

It might actually be starting to get warm enough to plant things outside.  This spring has been so bizarre.  Sooooo cold!  The past 2 days it has been in the 80s which has felt divine, but it is supposed to cool back down to like the 60s.  I have bought herbs for one of my raised garden boxes…. I am hoping that my perennial herbs come back.  Before we moved in the dead of winter I dug them up and put them in pots to bring with and am now still waiting to see signs of life.  I will be so sad if they don’t come back… especially my sage plant, it has always come back.  

I want to go buy flowers but I need to research and see what does good in shade because we have so many trees, most of where I will plant the flowers is shaded, at least partially. I fucking love fuchsia and I know they do well in shade but I have had zero success with them the last few times I’ve tried.  A local nursery has these huge baskets of them that are so beyond gorgeous but I feel like I’ll get it home and kill it =/  They are so finicky.  It’s like gardenia trees/bushes… they are ridiculously hard to grow.

My annuals did so fantastic last year so this year I think I may be a little braver in trying types I haven’t tried before… 

I also don’t know what I want to put in my garden yet.  I have gotten 2 patio tomato plants from Menards as soon as they got them in.. that is what I had last year and we had more tomatoes than we knew what to do with.  The cherry tomato plants last year were hugely successful but most of it went to waste because we couldn’t eat it all… I had no idea that they would get so big and produce so much.  Last year it was so hot that my lettuce just didn’t make it, my cauliflower didn’t make it because of the heat/drought, the fucking raccoons ate my cabbage literally the night before I was going to harvest it, and I never got to try my eggplants because I forgot them outside after I cut them and that was the end of them.

I think this year I want to try bell peppers, beans, rhubarb, cabbage (again), eggplant (again), maybe cucumber, strawberries, and turnips possibly? I dunno what I have room for at the moment.  I wish I could grow everything I wanted but it’s a little harder to do that with just smaller raised garden beds.

Can’t wait… I love summer and taking care of my plants and tending to my garden =D

From my phone.

I am making this post from my phone which feels rather impressive since I  haven’t had a phone that could do anything in quite sometime. I got a HTC Amaze a couple weeks ago and it has been a great phone/camera/mini computer like device.  If I could plug a keyboard into it for easier typing I would probably find little use for a desktop haha

Without fail, like every year, I got sick end of first week of classes.  Friday I felt gross…Saturday too….then Sunday I was starting to feel a whole lot better….and then Monday it was like I had been hit by a bus which was apparently payback for enjoying life Sunday.

I had a 4 day weekend thanks to MLK day that got blown to shit because my immune system decided to fail me. 

I haven’t even decided yet how I’m getting thru this semester.  If I think too far ahead I start to panic.  I just know I need more time than I’ve got.  Like a day to clean my fucking bedroom which would have happened this weekend had the hacking up lung thing had not started.

this weekend.

This weekend would have been too much for me with all the house guests had it not been my husband’s premiere for his first full length film.  I got to put on a dress and stilettos and watch this amazing thing my husband created on the big screen and best of all I got to burst with pride.  I tell him over and over again how proud I am of him because I don’t think he realizes how amazing he is.    I don’t think he even realizes that he has done something in his life that most people will never do, and even if they wanted to do it, most people wouldn’t know where to start or stumble over all the obstacles it takes to get there.  He’s inspiration.

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