weird feelings

I stalk the Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network several times week.  It contains all the data on transplants including center data about the waiting list, how many are added, fall off the list, and transplants.  It is getting to be what I call “transplant season”… the time of year that the amount of transplants taking place goes up dramatically.  We have learned from our support forums that during the holiday season there are more deaths leading to more organs leading to more transplants. It’s kind of morbid feeling to feel positive about a thing such as that, to think of a family losing their loved ones especially this time of year is heartbreaking, but at the same time… if these deaths were going to occur any way, at least they can give the gift of life to someone else.

Our center, which contains a smaller list than many other transplant centers in the region has been listing many people as the end of the year draws near.  Every time I see more people added to the list… especially those with higher MELDs and thus sicker… I just feel a twinge of what I guess you could call jealousy.  I know that they are higher on the list, they will be transplanted first.  Logically I know they obviously deserve a new liver over less sicker patients but it doesn’t erase the feeling because feelings are rarely logical.

There is a guy on one of our support forums, he is at our center and has gone through a bunch of crazy shit in order to get listed.  He is listed in two different states in two different regions, the second being recently added to the list here.  Because of his condition and his higher MELD I know he will be transplanted very soon, probably before the end of the year.  I am fucking jealous. There’s no other way to put it.  It just is that.  It makes me feel a bit shitty of a person yes.  It makes me feel weird.  It just part of the territory of all this I suppose.  A bunch of weird conflicting shitty feelings.

That’s probably the reason I have difficulties participating in our support groups… both our real life ones and our online ones. All these weird feelings, especially being on the wife-caregiver end.  I feel like nobody can possibly even begin to grasp my emotions and I just end up getting pissy.  People will give me the most well-intentioned advice and it can just… completely rub me the wrong way and I’ll be shitty about it for days afterwards.  And then there is the other problem of just finding shit too depressing.  That’s mostly the online ones.  A caregiver support for liver transplant group got to be too much.  People dwelling on every single negative thing….. give me positivity… give me a reason to get through the hard times…. damn.

What is One Day in the Course of Our Lives?

If everything  went “right”… it doesn’t seem to matter so much in the course of 1 day.  1 day going right seems to mean so little to me currently.  It’s the long run that I remain focused on… what would the next week, month, year look like if everything went “right”?

I think most people get caught up in that, when in reality there is no way to know if we even have another week, month or year left here.  Sure, we think with some certainity that we do, because that is just how we are but the reality is the old cliche is true, it’s not even today that we have but just this moment.  One moment to the next.  It means very little, one day… one right day or even one day left on this earth.  But maybe it should mean more.  Maybe in a way that is where I’ve gone wrong in my thinking and my planning. Mapping out next week or next year holds little value when you actually think about it because there is really nothing there.  It’s planning for something that doesn’t exist yet… and might not ever exist.  It sounds depressing, but it’s really not.  It’s more of a reminder to live in the moment.

I had no idea that my life would lead me down the path that it did.  If at any point in time you would have told me the things that would have taken place in my life that really made significant impacts I probably would have told you that you were batshit insane.

I can say that one day doesn’t matter, but how many times has it been one day that changed the course of our lives?  It’s amazingly ironic really.  To not live in the moment and then to have a moment come and absolutely change everything forever.  I guess that explains death pretty well eh.  And then somehow, you’re stuck there where time seemed to freeze.  The moment is captured for much too long.  Life is weird like that.  Way too much.

I always wondered what it would be like if we actualy could live in the moment every single second of our lives.  I don’t think as human beings we’re capa ble of that but it’s an interesting thought nonetheless.  It seems like it would be a much more peaceful existence.  After all, animals seem to rarely suffer the same neuroticisms as humans and I think it’s because they don’t have this concept really of past or future.  Just now.

It’s funny how the days when everything did go right don’t seem to register as strongly as the ones where everything went wrong.  Negative emotions cling on so much stronger than positive ones and I have no idea why.  I can tell you about some of the happiest days of my life but they don’t make my heart flutter in the same way as the saddest days make it sink.

Sometimes I wonder what it matters that we remember hurt, sadness, pain at all.  In a way… it seem useless.

Emotions are strange strange things.  It’s one of those twisted things that lead  me to a higher meaning in life, because I just find that it would absolutely ridiculous to have all this emotional intelligence when it has absolutely no meaning after all.


Angry.  Not sure why.  I guess because I feel anxious.  Feeling anxious makes me feel depressed.  Ah, the never ending cycle.

and I’m starting to get really peeved again that my back just never stops hurting.  Never.  It will be time to make a trip back to the doctor soon and I really just don’t want to deal with it anymore.  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, but I don’t want to deal with the doctors anymore.

Actually I am back into don’t want to deal with anything mode because I once again overwhelmed.  I get overwhelmed so easily you say? No shit.