boring post is boring.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is trying to kill me.  So is my ulcer.  But despite them both I finally finally finally put up the Xmas lights on the porch this evening.  We also managed to finally drag the Xmas tree inside off of the porch and undertook a 45 minute adventure of getting the fucking thing into the tree stand and actually standing straight.  Decorating it is for another day.  So is maybe, hopefully, possibly stringing up some lights in the back yard.  I also keep promising my dad some ham & beans and that has yet to happen.

Minus some anxiety I was feeling pretty good tonight.  And then I ate and took some supplements.  And my stomach promptly started.  And then I was mad at myself for eating and taking the supplements together because there was no way to know which one started the mess.  So tomorrow I think I am going to skip the supplement I think might be aggravating my symptoms and see what happens.

I keep thinking how I need to find the motivation to finish unpacking the house.  It’s been 2 months. I mean come on really girl, get your shit together.



And here we go

I always go to write a post and get caught up on where to start…how to word it… if I have the motivation to start it and finish it *L*

Well today is the official start of Holidailies so I will be attempting to do a blog entry every day from Dec 5th to January 6th. And you know what nuts, we’re less than a month away from 2008 being gone forever!

Today’s Holidailies propmt was to introduce yourself, well I’m not going too lol but it does remind me that I wanted to update my “you think you know” about me page here on my blog.  Hmm maybe I’ll get around to that.

Here’s something to know about me… 75% of me blogging is actually me sitting at the computer desk or with my laptop and staring blankly at it, attempting to compose my thoughts or just going on a trip inside of my head.  Another 15% of the time I am opening other windows and doing other things as my mind wanders and then the rest of the time, I actually get around to writing something.  Which may seem surprising seeing how I can manage to actually ramble on and on…

Lately I have been staying pretty busy.  I actually came to the weird conclusion that lately, staying in my house causes me to feel too confined and I start feeling a little bit crazy.  I’m in crazy Britney Spears mode lately… driving around… although not aimlessly.  I feel a little blah when I finally have to come home because I’ve ran out of places to go too… although there is always the bookstore which I could spend hours and hours in.

Christmas shopping has consumed a lot of my time lately… although minus some online shopping I am pretty much done with that now.  The other day I spent about 9 hours shopping and for the most part I loved every minute of it.  Yeah,the Paxil must be working if I can tolerate that shit.

The past few days though I have felt pretty damn good.  Pretty damn good for me anyways.  Compared to how I have been feeling for… I dunno the past 4 months.  I get nervous when I feel good.  How weird is that?  I start thinking how oh shit… I feel good again, when is the ball going to drop and everything feel like shit again.  Lovely thoughts, I tell you.  But I’m always afraid of losing it when I start to feel good again.

Today my mind wandered around the thought of what happens if I get back in that deep black hole.  I went through that last year so fearful that it would happen again but I honestly tried to remain positive that it never would.  And then it did.  And that fucked with me worse than anything.  And a part of  me knows, that if it happned 2x, it could certainly happen a third time.  I *think*… with finding the right medication, I’ll be okay.  But I also know that a part of me has changed recently of how I look at what has happened.

It has spun off my I am a Soul post.  Basically, I’ve regained a lot of my faith in something higher and I conversate often with my higher power and basically have just decided to have faith in what spirituality can do for me when it comes to dealing with my issues.

There’s that saying or whatever about people turning to God or religion when they find themselves in a fox hole.  Well I was the opposite.  In my fox hole I turned away from God and religion.  Almost entirely.  I was so angry.  I couldn’t believe for one second that there could be anything when I was feeling so miserable.  When prayers had gone unanswered… whenI continued to feel worse instead of better no matter how much I begged.  I think a few times I literally told the concept of God to piss off.  Help me in the afterlife man… I’ma hafta answer for that right? lol

I dunno though… something in me changed.  I have faith now, whereas I didn’t before.  Or rather, I am rebuilding my faith.  I know I’m being taken care of.  I’m learning to believe again that everything will work out.  Life doesn’t necessarily have be random.  Sometimes things look that way..totally unbelievable and random… but I’ve always been able to find the bigger picture and I don’t want that to change now.  I don’t want to get bitter and jaded as I age.  I want to continue to believe that in the end, things work out.

But then again, I am faced with situations of where… okay sometimes in the end, things don’t work out.  Let’s take H’s mom for example… where was the justice in that?  And I guess stuff like that, is what makes me second guess myself and my faith in… the way things work.  But at the same time… to some extent she was responsible for her own life and that goes to the people she surrounded herself with and the fact that she didn’t take care of herself at all.  How we write our stories plays a big part in how they end.

And then there’s those cases… of being born into a crappy storyline with no hope for writing your own story to end happily and trying to figure that out is too mind boggling for me to do at 2 am.  \

I have some 101 in 1001 post stuff to make, but I think I’ll do that in a seperate post.

Some pictures too…  and other randomness.

I spent the evening doing some cleaning and getting out more Christmas stuff and then I finally put up the Christmas lights outside and I just love it, it rocks.   Someday I’ll get everything else organized before Christmas… ha.

I’ve decided to make bracelets for my mom, sister & MIL for Christmas so I’ve got to start those.  Also am going to make some custom onesies to give to my sister if she announces her pregnacy at Christmas.  Yup I still know she’s pregnant even though she hasn’t admitted it yet.