2011: The Year that Hated Me

I haven’t had a real post since the beginning of the year… and here it is April.  Not quite sure how that happened, because I still feel like it should be Feb 1st at the latest.

This has been the breakdown of my year so far

• The beginning of January I got hit by a really anxious spell.  And it hit me really hard.  I was having a hard time functioning and that was difficult because it was the first time that had happened post Paxil.  So I had to figure out how to deal with it all again unmedicated.  But I managed to lift myself up out of it by realizing the things that I was doing wrong… that was only feeding it.
• Not long after I managed to feel better from that… I got massively sick.  First I had a cold for a couple weeks and as soon as I started feeling better from that I got the nastiest flu ever.
• The nasty ass flu lasted a week or a little over.  By the time I started feeling better my Ki started feeling sick.
• Ki was sick for about a week.  Wasn’t getting better.  His breathing started really scaring me at night.  It sounded like a dying person.
• Feb 27th, Ki decided to finally go to Redimed to get checked out since he wasn’t feeling better.  He’s there for about 40 minutes and I get a call from him, they are transferring him to the emergency room at the hospital.  He has pneumonia and a partially collapsed left lung.  So that day he was in the emergency room for about 7.5 hours and then admitted.
• March 3rdish… Ki is still in hospital, they decide they have to put in a chest tube to drain the air and fluid that has accumulated in his lungs.
• While he was there they also had to do a bronchioscope, echo-cardigram, and liver ultrasound further scaring the crap out of me.
• March 4th, our 4th wedding anniversary… he’s still in the hospital.  Obviously worst anniversary ever.
• March 6th, I get a call from Ki while I am in class.  He is very upset.  Xray showed that his lung was starting to collapse again after they had removed the chest tube on the previous day.
• We get a miracle and the next day things immediately begin to turn around.  Ki is discharged on the 8th.
• March 7th was the start of spring break, with every thing that was going on there was no “break”
• Week-ish later…. Ki’s dad dies.
• My dad continues to have blood clot issues, yet won’t stop smoking.
• My grandmother is going in in a couple of weeks for risky open heart surgery and also had a lump on her breast biopsied and is now awaiting the results.

2011 has been out to get us.

Less important but equally fucked up-ness that also occurred in this time frame

• MIL was here while Ki was sick.  I know she was worried and wanted to be here for him, but it was non stop stress for me on top of all the things that were already stressing  me out.
• My car caught fire when I was attempting to get Ki on the 6th.  I was on the phone with my mom at the time when all this smoke started filling my car, I think I nearly gave her a heart attack.
• It was impossible to ever speak to any of Ki’s doctors when he was in the hospital.  It was never ending stress.  LUCKILY he had the most awesome nurses who tried their best to fill me in.  I didn’t get to speak to any actual doctor until the day he was discharged.
• I have delayed stress reactions to things.  A week after he was out of the hospital, then I felt it all hit me x1000.
• My quarter life crisis is never ending.
• We got the hospital bill in the mail.
• My university has suddenly decided that I owe them 5k and I have yet to find out why.
• Nacho has to go in for a dental cleaning and some tooth extractions.  Not a huge deal by any means but more $$$ and I always freak out a little whenever any of the pets have to go under anesthesia, but especially my precious little papillon  since they can be a bit more sensitive to anesthesia.

I felt reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly guilty for a while because I felt like Ki getting sick was all my fault.  I had been sick first.  I kept thinking if I hadn’t been so careless while I was sick maybe he wouldn’t have gotten it.  And when he first got sick and was very dramatic about it I thought it was just the “man cold” rearing its ugly head.  But he kept doing his usual stuff at first albeit complaining.  But then he started sleeping more and more and then the breathing thing started and I started freaking out because I did not understand why he was breathing like he was when he was sleeping.  Every night I got so anxious about it.  I beat myself up once he was admitted to the hospital for not making him go to the doctor sooner.  And then I felt even more guilty when he had to get the chest tube, b/c the ER doc had mentioned it as a possibility and I kept telling him “it’s the worst case scenario, it’s not gonna happen, it’s not gonna happen”  and then it happened.

He’s well now and that’s all that matters.  The bills don’t matter because he is alive and well.  We’ll do whatever we have to do.  It’s sounds almost silly… but that event in our lives, him being that sick… well I think it just made us both realize how much we loved each other all over again and that we had been taking each other for granted.  It just sucks that it sometimes takes something like that to be the smack in the head.  You shouldn’t need a huge smack in the face to realize you’ve been taking your loved ones for granted but I guess I’m not the first or last to realize this.  In my morbid humor way… I told him that he is not allowed to die before I do in this life.  I think he could handle losing me, but I am quite certain I could never handle losing him.

His father passing away was not unexpected.  We have known for some time that the day was coming.  For me it was rather outside looking in because I never really got to know my father in law.  I think that I’ve probably spent a couple hours around him tops, if that during our whole relationship these past 10 years.  I know it was very surreal for my husband, to know it was coming and then happen… especially after his own massive scare fresh out of the hospital.  He has been handling it extremely well though.  Losing a parent is still not something I can fully wrap my head around, although my dad seems to be trying his damnedest to see how far he can push his health issues.

As for me, I have been stricken by the worst bout of unmotivationess (lol) ever.  I actually began to disgust myself a little haha… but it was just… uggh I can’t even explain it.  Let’s put it this way, I have managed to burn myself out on my typical avoidance techniques because  that is all I’ve been doing.  All the focus off myself and instead caring for my husband for a few weeks actually felt a wee bit welcomed just for the fact that I no longer had to think about myself and my life.  Granted, I would have much preferred the focus off myself to have been caused by something extremely different obviously but well… you get my point.  As he got well and started getting back to his regular activities and obligations, I had to get back to mine and it was not a welcoming place I left off at.

I’ve come to find though that my biggest issue is worrying about other people’s expectations of me.  Stupid I know.  But it stays on my mind waaaaaaaay too much.  I just constantly think about how I don’t want to disappoint anyone with every.gawd.damned.decision that I made and I know that that is a really unhealthy perspective and I have to break free of that.  But I’ll no doubt make a post about that later.  This has already gotten to be so long.

In less important things… I have decided April is the month to do all my cleaning so I have been on a massive intensive spring cleaning spree I hope to finish by the end of the month.  It feels really good to declutter and just clean clean clean.  I even wiped down all my cabinets and kitchen walls yesterday lol